Penn trip – spiritual part

The main reason for the trip up to Penn was to hear His Holiness the Dalai Lama give a 6 day teaching on Lama Tsongkapa’s The Great Treatise. This text outlines the path to enlightenment or the lamrim chenmo. It’s a large text to undertake in 6 days and His Holiness did a summary teaching as he said it would take months to do properly. But even that summary was very in depth and over my head at times.

During the 6 days I was at the teaching, I started learning more about myself, more about where I was in the path and pushed through some of the confusion I had. I know now that I was trying to go to fast and not putting down a foundation to higher practices. I feel now my taking the White Tara empowerment last Dec was a bit premature. I do still feel like doing the ngundro practice with it’s cleansing practices of prostrations and Vajrasattva recitations but I know now where I need to complement it with the lamrim.

My next task on the path to spiritual enlightenment is to get back on the path. I have gone too long without serious practice. With my new understanding, I can better set up a practice that I hope will work for me. I know I will need to talk more with Lama-la when I get deeper in it, but for now, I feel I can start and have a worthwhile meditation session. Just need to keep at it, maintain the proper motivation and not get discouraged along the way.

Becoming a Padawan

I started leaning more about scening from the Chef last Monday. I went over to his house after work with my toybag in tow to show off the new stuff I got in Philly. He lives really close so I am hoping to be able to hang out with him and his wife a lot more. They are really great people and we get along well.

After the show and tell, the Chef got out some of his floggers to let me see the different types that can be used. He then put on some music and showed me the basics of flogging on a body pillow. After a little bit, he handed me a rope flogger and I set about seeing for myself what I could do.

The basics are simple, hit in rhythm, aim for the spot and avoid certain areas. But until someone actually showed me what to do, I never felt comfortable doing it myself. Now, I can see, it’s not something to be scared of. I need practice so I don’t accidently hurt the girl in ways unatended like wraparound or striking somewhere incorrectly. But I don’t feel like it’s something I can’t do anymore. The Chef has built my confidence up a bit so I am comfortable handling the flogger and know I can do it. For that alone I am thankful.

He let me borrow a couple of his rope floggers and I have practiced a little over the past week. Not as much as I want or need, though. This week, though, I am planning on doing more of the things I need to do like practicing flogging, setting up a plan for my filmmaking, etc.

Special Package

Oh, yeah, I forgot… My boots arrived from Passional last night! Haven’t had a chance to completely try them on yet, but did put one on to make sure it would fit. Didn’t have time to lace it up but may get a chance later tonight. Now to go shopping for the rest of my outfit!

A ringing in my ears

Thursday night was one of the best nights of my life. I got to see Dweezil Zappa perform the music of his father, Frank. To top that, Ray White, former guitarist and vocalist for Frank, was performing as well. I thought I would never get to see this concert in my lifetime. I got there early enough to be right at the stage but also right in front of the speakers. Needless to say, I still can’t hear very well. But I wouldn’t change it for anything. I had Scheila Gonzalez, the Sax/Keyboardist, Ray White and Dweezil right in front of me.

Dweezil played music from all over Frank’s catalouge. They even did a Joe’s Garage suite of about 5 songs from that album. They played for about 2 1/2 hours but it felt so quick. I wanted so much more but had such a good time. Even danced during the encore of I’m the Slime. Hell, I think the whole crowd was dancing then. To top off an already wonderful experience, Dweezil actually came off stage at the end and shook hands and signed autographs for people. Being at the front, I actually got to shake the hand of a god. I’m still riding the high from that night.

Trip to Penn – the kinky part

okay.. so my trip to Penn…. didn’t turn out exactly as I had invisioned it but in the end was wonderful.

When I was preparing to go up, dani told me about a shop called Passional. I checked them out online (www.passional.com) and saw they had women’s boots in my size, in stock according to the website. Needless to say I was excited. That’s the one purchase I’ve wanted since I started exploring this part of me and it was also the certerpiece for the new outfit I want to get. I planned on stopping by both their clothing and toy shops in Philly the Weds I arrived.

When I got there (trip up was uneventful), the lovely lady helping another customer asked if I was looking for anything specific. I simply said “boots” forgetting they had men’s fetish fashions as well. She showed me the men’s boots and then went back to the other customer. I went back into the front and went back to her her and clarified that I needed “women’s boots” to which she showed me where they were as if a guy asking for women’s boots happens everyday. Immediately put me at ease.

Unfortunately, they only had a pair of clear high heels in my size. She told me they could order some for me but I was already knocked down a bit and only causually looked through the shoe catalouges. I told her I would be back in the area on Sun and if I wanted to order, I would come back. I had a feeling I wasn’t going to. I was excited about being able to come in and try them on and get them right then. I almost let that ruin my whole trip.

I went down to the toy shop and was greated just as warmly as the clothing shop. YOu can touch all the toys in the shop, see how they feel, how they work; the staff is great. The only adult store we have in my area has to be very uptight about things or they could be shut down by the religious fanatics in government. After looking around a good bit, I decided to get a few things I haven’t seen anywhere else: a metal handled rubber whip and two canes, one nylon and the other lexan, both with aluminum handles. The whip has a good thud but the tip has to be cut off or down. The canes have a nice sting to them.

At the end of the week, I decided I would go and order those boots. I would have to wait for them and getting a new outfit but one has to learn patience. I thikn I’m going to get a couple friends I’ve come out to to go on a shopping trip with me when the boots come in. So, Sunday, another lovely, very helpful lady ordered the boots for me. The owner had a pair she thought would fit on sale but they were at least 1 size too small. But I did order my boots. Yay!

Went down to the toy store once more and yet another lovely, helpful lady. Ended up talking with her about the lifestyle scene in my hometown and up in Philly. Looked around a little, trying to decide how best to round out my toy bag and ended up getting a pinwheel, a rubber flogger, a metal cane and a rope flogger. So many nice toys in there, it was a hard decision.

Now that I’m home, I get to look forward to my boots arriving and learning how to use my new toys. I cannot express how nice, how helpful and overall how cool the owner and staff of Passional are. I highly recommend stopping by if you are in Philly or going to their websites, www.passional.com and www.passionaltoys.com.

Angry

I am angry. No use putting a pretty picture on it. It’s taken me a couple days to realize how much or maybe it’s just grown over the past few days. And I don’t want to be angry. I want to have come home from a great trip, listening to a great man telling me how best to practice Buddhism and move forward with my life. But here I am, my body tense and electrified with a rage pouring through me.

I was hoping to come back to work and put what I learned to good use. To be able to see one of my bosses as a bodhisattva in disguise, here to teach me about anger and to try and control it. But the news I got when I came back blew that idea out of the water. The news was too much for me to control my anger. In the short time I was away, they “restructured” a department, firing a good friend suddenly. Also, the constant pressure and goading of one of the bosses cause another friend to quit. They have hired someone completely new for the “restructuring” and one employee is taking over the job of another who has left but worked at home and now is being forced out completely.

The selfish, inconsiderate, assenign ways these people do business was a wake up call, a slap to the face to my future there. As much as I’ve been told they would never fire me and that they need me, I can’t honestly believe them anymore. When the staff has to find out about the “restructuring” by stumbling on a job ad instead of management letting us know show that they are cowards and don’t have the guts to treat people with respect.

So, what do I do now? Do I put forth the energy to take control of my department like I talked to my boss about doing before I left? Or do I throw myself into my film projects, both the non-profits and the films and work on getting out of this industry and into something I love doing? I honestly don’t know what good it would do to try and take over my department. I know I will not get the support or authority I need to do the job properly. This is shown in all my other attempts at making things better there. So why waste the time and energy just to be disappointed and depressed?

I really think I need to jump in and really work on the film projects. They are my only hope of getting out of this place with some reasonable sense of sanity. I have to get my life in a better place. I think my filmmaking will do that as well as getting my Buddhist practice back on track and my renewed explorations in BDSM. I just have to stick with it all and I’m going to need help to do that.

Hi, it’s me.. I’m back

I got back yesterday afternoon after a long drive. I am wore out to say the least and super tired. I’m resting as best I can with still having to go to work today and tomorrow. I’ll try to make a few bigger posts over the weekend. Lots to talk about with the trip and a good bit about coming to work today.

Preliminary realizations

Being here at the Dalai Lama’s teaching has got me slowly realizing that everything I do and am interested in could turn into Dharma practice; it just takes the right motivation and mind set. I won’t bore you with technical stuf but if my motivation is to help others in some way and to not be attached with things or people, then the action can be virtuous in the Buddhist sense. This helps me ease a lot of confusion about how I can be in the BDSM lifestyle and still be a practicing Buddhist. This also applies to my crossdressing but I’ve not been as confused about the mixing of those two. I’ll go more into my issues with this mix later.

The next steps

Sorry for the long time between posts. I am up in Pennsylvania to attend a teaching by the Dalai Lama and spent time getting everything ready for my trip up here. Have a good bit of news of the trip but will let you know more when I get back this week. For now, I’ll let you know what happened before my trip.

I came to realize I needed a mentor to help me if I was going to be prepared for danielle’s arrival in Sept. Before I left, I went to a local munch and realized who would be the perfect mentor for me. Near the end of the night, I came to this realization and decided to tell the Chef of my situation and asked if he and his wife could help me. He was all for it and I couldn’t be happier about it.

The Chef is a good friend that I’ve gotten to know over the past few years. He’s laid back but knowledgeable. I am comfortable around him and I know he will work with me to get where I want to be. I’m working on a list of things I want to learn and I have some new stuff I’ll tell you about later to practice with and hopefully have a good sense of what I’m doing by the time danielle gets here.

The Journey Begins, pt.2

A discussion at the party last Sat also got me started on my path in the Lifestyle. Ms S. mentioned a new group forming to support a local Leather Community. Now, being in a BDSM community, you hear about the Leather Community from time to time but I’ve never delved that much into it. I’ve always felt it’s more a part of the gay BDSM lifestylers and not me. I learned that, yes, it was started by gay men but it has explanded out from there. She went on to talk about its history and a little about the being in the Leather Community.

This discussion interested me because I am to the point where I need to decide if I am going to just sit back and watch the BDSM Community or step up and become part of it. People would say I already am part of it just being there, but I don’t feel that way. Hard for me to say why but part of it has to do with my lack of experience and my lack of knowledge in the lifestyle that has brought about a lack of confidence in what I may already know.

The biggest reason for me to make a decision is that my girl is coming down in Sept finally. She is so much more experienced than I am. I know I can’t get to her level by the time she gets here but I would like to have some basics down when I meet her. I’ve discussed this with her and she is fine with going slow and having a light play session but I still feel like I need to give her a little more.

The other reason why I need to go forward is I’ve started work on a poly Lifestyle family with dani as my first. She’s helping me create my own training manual and it has helped me decide what type of slave I want to train. But I still have doubts as to if I am fully qualified even though she says I’m more qualified than I give myself.

Ms. S talked about in the Leather Community you have to earn your leather through constant practice and study. I feel that I need to earn my title of Master and Head of House. I don’t know the path I am going to take to do that, though. I need to learn more about the Leather Community to see if it is right for me or if I need to get an individual mentor to show me the way. I just now I need to start now, if not for me, then for dani.