Getting Serious

So, no post recently because things have been in turmoil at work and a whirlwind of activity outside of work. Finally had to take last week off to try and recover and get some much needed sleep. So far, so good. At work, a lot of emotional ups and downs last week. Things came to a head on Friday and I fianlly came to the decision to say “fuck it” to all the emotional stress, the depression and the BS going on there. My determination now is to go to work, do my job, go home. Let everyone else have their little political games… I’m out. I still want to help MY boss get on his feet and get back to where he needs to be but if he doesn’t meet me halfway, then I end that part of our relationship. He’s been a good boss and has become a friend, but I can’t put that kind of emotional investment into that place anymore. I hope he lets me help him.

Once I came to this conclusion, it was like a weight getting lifted and I felt better than I have in a very long time. I found a new energy. It was as if I went manic with a snap of the fingers. I needed to get rid of some of the energy last night but some family issues stopped me. This morning, though, I woke with a new purpose. I got some much needed things done and then rested a bit. I went and picked up a sportscoat at the mall this evening and then finished some much needed cleaning.

With the cleaning done, I finally got serious about practicing my lifestyle techniques. Sorry, Chef, but I’ve only half-hearted practiced. The drepression was most likely the culprit because I worked about 30-45 mins this evening nonstop… Working with just the rope floggers the Chef let me borrow showed me how much I needed to be practicing full on since he started mentoring me. Part of me feels ashamed for not doing more to payback his kindness in helping me and the other half tells that half to shove off and make the best of the time I have left before dani’s arrival. I have to maintain my new mindset in life. Always forward, don’t look back.

So, what did I learn? Biggest thing, my leather flogger is a hell of a lot heavier than those rope floggers.. lol I have good accuracy on the rope floggers and getting there on the leather one, but I need to use it more to build up arm strength. I also need to use my off-hand more to get accuracy up with it. The rubber flogger is a bit hard to control but once you get it into a rhythm, it’s not that bad. My hemp-rope flogger/cat/whatever you call it it VERY unstable if you use the handle. I find if you hold it up higher, then it becomes more manageable and more of a viable toy. The crop I can handle well; it’s basically a large drumstick. I just have to make sure I strike with an even intensity. Occasionally I tend to start striking harder, but with consentration, that’s controlable. Tried my dragontail as well but need more work with it. When I swing one way it is at a different level than when I swing the other way.

The other thing I learned is I am out of shape. If I am going to keep doing these things, I have to lose weight and build some muscle. The short period of time I worked tonight has made me a little sore. The weight’s not going to come off before dani gets here, but I need to start working on it now. More practice will help and starting to walk around the neighborhood will as well. After that, we’ll see what can be done.

Moving forward; no looking back.

Writing as Salvation?

Things have been going very bad at work. Problems with fellow employees, problems with bosses, problems with clients. Things are coming to a head and I’m to a point where I am more depressed than not nowadays. I’ve slacked off on everything except what I have to do to live. And even then, only barely. I am still doing my job to the best of my ability but every day is a struggle to get out of bed to go to work.

So I’ve tried to figure out what I need to do to get out and make myself happy. I’ve put writing as my salvation to happiness. Creating screenplays and getting them produced, teaching others to do this, moving to a vast entertainment empire, this was what I had to look forward to, to pin my hopes and dreams on and to help me claw my way out of the dark hell I am currently in. But in doing so, I have put it on such a lofty height that it seems nearly impossible to reach. I’m so easily knocked down right now because of the depression, things seem impossible and I just don’t feel like doing anything.

This weekend was supposed to be about writing and getting things in line to start working on getting out of my current position, both job and life. But right before closing, knees got knocked out from under me and I’ve been depressed the whole time. But at least Sunday night, I had a little sliver of hope come back to me. Late in the evening, I decided to forgo to mindless computer activities I was partaking in and picked up Stephen King’s On Writing. I hoped by rereading it, I would find some spark, some little push to get me back in the right direction. It gave me a push, but not one I expected.

I am beginning to believe putting writing and filmwork on that high pedastal, I have made them into something I am lothe to do now. Writing used to be fun. In college, I would churn out scripts left and right, rewriting then, planning on shooting them, almost succeeding. It was fun and I loved every bit of it. But then college ends, real life slowly sets in and writing starts taking a back seat to things. Near the beginning, just when I got out of school, I still had that joy, that fire to write and produce. I wrote a few short scripts the first few months out of school but then things slowed. Real life became more important, the fact I didn’t have a job or prospects for one, bills piling up, and depression setting in.

In the time I have been out of school, I believe I have only written 4 things: one feature length script, two short scripts and a novel. In a semester’s worth of time at school, I would have written and rewritten at least 2 feature length scripts and shot a little of at least one of them. The novel was a difficult thing to create, taking me nearly a year to finish, though, part of the time I was visiting my dying grandfather. But the amount of time and energy it took really paid a toll on me. It took me close to another year before even trying to write anything again after that.

So, now here I am putting all my hopes for salvation on writing again. And in doing so, made the activity into work instead of the joy it used to be. And that’s really with everything I’m trying to write right now: the short scripts I’m working on, dani’s training manual, the filmmaking info I’m starting. I’m telling myself and others that writing will set me free and I’ll be happy. But because of that, it’s become this dark cloud over my head now. I can’t work because I’m depressed and I get depressed because I don’t work. And all the while, I am feeding myself the notion that I HAVE to do this; I HAVE to finish such and such by a certain date. I am perpetually feeding my depression and spiralling deeper as the days go on.

So, reading On Writing, I was given a push. Actually, I think it was more of a slap in the face. Writing is supposed to be something you enjoy and do it whenever and where ever you get the chance. I have ideas in my head but I’ve always either felt I wasn’t ready to put them down on paper or something else should come before them or whatever other bullshit I was feeding myself at the time. And I realized I am feeding myself the biggest pile of bullshit ever with this whole writing is salvation line.

I am depressed, yes. Things are bad at work, yes. But is my life right now so horrible that I can’t continue on and have to get out in the next few weeks? No. Will my life end if I don’t start production on my short scripts in the next Winter or Spring? No. Will everything fall apart between dani and I if I don’t get her training manual finished by the time she gets here in 3 weeks? No. In fact, the role dynamic between us has changed to where I don’t really need to have it finished for some time. Not until she tells me she is ready to go back to those roles. I would like to see it finished sooner than later, but it’s not something I have to kill myself in trying to write in the next few weeks.

So what do I do, then? I take a breath and relax. I take a look at my current situation at work and see how I can correct things to make it better. This will consist of changing how I work and my attitude towards it. I will have to tune out the drama and consentrate solely on what I am there to do, work. When the clock reads 5, then I will have to leave work at work.

When I am at home, then I have to keep from putting more pressure on myself. I have to put writing on hold, or at least stop trying to make it my salvation. It may still be but I have to work up to that, I can’t make it happen. I have to realize I can’t force myself to write in the context I am doing now. I have to get back to writing for fun, for the joy of storytelling. The stories have to come as they will and I have to just let them happen.

But for now, I have to change the way I think about my life right now. I have to change the way I look at work and my workplace and try to pull myself out of this depression. I have to stop putting so much pressure on myself after work to do 300 things I feel I absolutely have to get done in a month’s time. I have to look at what I truely need to do and consentrate on that but not to the point of obsession. I know I have to practice my lifestyle activities so I can play with dani and have some sense of what I am doing. Beyond that, I need to learn to relax.

Right now, I will set my sights on NaNoWriMo (www.nanowrimo.org) in Novemeber to be the next time I atempt to write. If something calls me beforehand, so be it, but right now, I am taking that pressure of having to write to get me free from hell off me.

Family

Sorry for not posting recently but things have been crazy. Seems my out of work life is getting better and my work life is getting worse. Hopefully it will get better soon, but not holding my breath.

Been thinking a bit about my family lately and not my blood relatives. I have always wanted to have a Lifestyle family, a big household of girls (and maybe boys too, ya never know). Working on danielle’s manual has made me think hard about what I want out of those I train and eventually collar and what I want from my family in general. Before, it was more general terms and had more of a fantasy aspect to it. But with dani’s coming down, I have worked hard to ground myself in reality.

Given my Southern background, letting myself have these feelings towards women and wanting to do the normal Lifestyle things to them has been hard. I have always been brought up and have a firm stance on respecting women, to protect them and never raise your hand to them. For a Southern gentleman, hitting a girl is a big no-no! But I’ve had to come to grips with this and it has been hard. It’s one thing to have a fantasy about it but when you are moving into reality, it’s something that hit me hard.

Another thing that made, and still makes, the process of finding out more about me and my family is people accepting my beliefs and methods. It’s one thinkg to show someone a story I’ve written and then not like it, it’s just fiction and something I made up. But when I show someone my manual, a piece of work that is entirely and purely me, my thoughts, my beliefs and my needs, it’s a scary undertaking. I am opening myself up to a lot of hurt if someone doesn’t like the way I do things and wants to berate me about it.

So I’ve had to do a few thing internally while working on the manual. I’ve had to figure out who I am in the Lifestyle and the kind of Dominant I want to be and I’ve also had to convince myself that my way of training is not everybody else’s and that’s okay. I may be just the kind of Dominant some special girl has been looking for all her life and will feel right at home in my family. I’ve had to develope the attitude of “you don’t like it? so what?” As long as I am not doing anything to cause harm to my girls or doing something illegal, then I shouldn’t care if someone else disagrees. This is how I do things, not them.

The manual is still evolving somewhat. I’m still writing to complete it so there will be times when things will become clearer for me and times when I have to rethink what I believe to make sure it follows the main tenants of my own philosophy and that of the family. I have to be honest with myself every step of the way because this isn’t a game. This is real life and these are real people who will be putting their trust and faith in me to lead them and not harm them.

I’ve had my first real test this week when it comes to my manual and my family. I let the Chef read the ntro and first stage of the manual (all I have written so far) and get his opinion on it. Even though I trust him, I was still nervous about doing this. He is not in a 24/7 relationship and I don’t want to come off looking like some fantasy Dominant (Cheff calls them AOL Doms lol) who has no idea what he’s doing. So far so good, though. He’s given me good feedback and doesn’t see me as an AOL Dom.

The second test came last night. I met a friend of dani’s who happens to live here in town now. She has been in the Lifestlye a little bit but had a very bad experience so she is caustious now. She is someone that dani hopes will be part of our family in some form or another. I agreed to meet her because she is a very good friend of dani’s and someone I’ll probably be seeing a lot of so best to get to know her. Happy to say she’s a very sweet girl and we had a very good time. She has many of the same vanilla interests as dani and I so I know she would at least be a good friend.

At the end of the evening, she and I were able to sit down and talk a little about Lifestyle things and dani in particular. I was honest and up front about my feelings towards dani and the fact we want to start a Lifestyle family. I laid myself out and got a good reaction. I tend to say I am not a “typical Dom” because of my beliefs (a phrase I’ll probably get blasted for) and she agreed and was happy to hear about my philosophy on girls and training. Taking things slowly, she may become a bigger part of our family, even part of our nuclear family.

A short take on family structure and I’ll let ya go (if you haven’t already. I do tend to ramble, no?). Like a blood relative family, mine is going to hava core, nuclear family. dani and I will be the first of that and then we will bring more to the core. dani’s friend may be the first and from there we grow, bringing in girls and/or boys to be part of that core dynamic. These will be people collared to me and consist of my immediate household. I will also have those I consider family but are not collared to me and those will consist of other Dominants and their collared submissives, unattached girls who are friends with me and mine and, while in my house, girls trained by me and my household. Hopefully one day a big family and one that works towards the benefit of each other and all outside the family.

Identity

Recently I have been giving much thought to identity, or “who I am”. I have at least 4 names now that I go by depending on the situation: my real name, my scene name, my CD name and now my Buddhist name. Who is the “real me” and which are just parts of me? No one can really say. In fact, as some have said before, they are all the “real me.”

 

In Tibetan Buddhist thought, there is no “I,” no inherent self. This is a difficult concept and I won’t go into it in detail, but briefly, it is the idea that there isn’t a one thing that you can say is “you,” a independent, never changing self. In reality, we are always changing, from minute to minute, from second to second. Scientist say that the body’s skin completely dies and regrows over a period of years (3 I believe) so that literally, you are not the person you were a few years ago.

 

The other point about a “self” in my thinking is the person you see yourself as is not the person someone else sees. This has to do with situations you are in with the person, when they come into your life, the environment you see them in. The person my parents know is not the same person friends in the Lifestyle know. Your perception of me is in your own experiences of me and how you relate to other experiences you have and therefore different than anybody elses. 20 people can read my blog up to now but every one of them will relate differently to what I say and how they perceive me.

 

So what does this have to do with my names? Simply put, names are labels, nothing more. I am not each separate name but rather a combination of all. There’s no point in separating my thoughts based on a name. I have to realize that all thoughts are mine alone and stop trying to divide myself. Who I am as Samantha is who I am naturally, deep down. I put on the make-up, slip on the heels and try to act like a woman but in my mind and deep down in my heart, I am who I am. The outer appearance just helps bring out those thoughts and feelings.

 

And isn’t that what a name really does for anyone? It’s an identifier for who we are inside. Look around in your local Lifestyle community and see how many put sub or slave, Sir or Master in their names (which may not be their given name in the first place). These are put there to help them identify who they are inside because their given name needs help doing so or doesn’t do the job at all and they need stronger reinforcement. I am in this later category.

 

I am lucky to know many in the community who don’t need such titles. They are good people who know who they are and what they need. I look up to these people and several I call good friends. I’m not saying they are better than others. All I am saying is they have a better feel and a better understanding of their “self.” I hope to follow in their footsteps one day.

 

One quick note about changing the name you go by in certain communities. I am going by Roland now partially because it helps me feel more Dominant and more into that side of my personality but also because my extra-curricular activities in the Lifestyle could hurt me down the road in vanilla activites. I have plans to do non-profit work and start my own business and neither are necessarily kink-friendly. So I have to be careful now in who knows what about me. There are many in the same boat I am in the BDSM community at large. Sometimes the change can be a necessity for safety, a need mentally or both.

 

All of this boils down to “know thyself.” Study who you truely are inside instead of going through life simply reacting to things around you. Know what you want and what you need and put those feelings to use (as long as they are not destructive of you and others, of course). So many go about life unhappy because they feel they have to be someone they aren’t but don’t really know who they are in the first place. Once you discover that, life becomes a much happier experince because you stop wandering and move toward specific goals and activities.

 

Life is a journey with many paths. Knowing yourself is to know which path is right for you. The names you give yourself are simply the twists and turns of experiences on that path.

Becoming a Padawan

I started leaning more about scening from the Chef last Monday. I went over to his house after work with my toybag in tow to show off the new stuff I got in Philly. He lives really close so I am hoping to be able to hang out with him and his wife a lot more. They are really great people and we get along well.

After the show and tell, the Chef got out some of his floggers to let me see the different types that can be used. He then put on some music and showed me the basics of flogging on a body pillow. After a little bit, he handed me a rope flogger and I set about seeing for myself what I could do.

The basics are simple, hit in rhythm, aim for the spot and avoid certain areas. But until someone actually showed me what to do, I never felt comfortable doing it myself. Now, I can see, it’s not something to be scared of. I need practice so I don’t accidently hurt the girl in ways unatended like wraparound or striking somewhere incorrectly. But I don’t feel like it’s something I can’t do anymore. The Chef has built my confidence up a bit so I am comfortable handling the flogger and know I can do it. For that alone I am thankful.

He let me borrow a couple of his rope floggers and I have practiced a little over the past week. Not as much as I want or need, though. This week, though, I am planning on doing more of the things I need to do like practicing flogging, setting up a plan for my filmmaking, etc.

Trip to Penn – the kinky part

okay.. so my trip to Penn…. didn’t turn out exactly as I had invisioned it but in the end was wonderful.

When I was preparing to go up, dani told me about a shop called Passional. I checked them out online (www.passional.com) and saw they had women’s boots in my size, in stock according to the website. Needless to say I was excited. That’s the one purchase I’ve wanted since I started exploring this part of me and it was also the certerpiece for the new outfit I want to get. I planned on stopping by both their clothing and toy shops in Philly the Weds I arrived.

When I got there (trip up was uneventful), the lovely lady helping another customer asked if I was looking for anything specific. I simply said “boots” forgetting they had men’s fetish fashions as well. She showed me the men’s boots and then went back to the other customer. I went back into the front and went back to her her and clarified that I needed “women’s boots” to which she showed me where they were as if a guy asking for women’s boots happens everyday. Immediately put me at ease.

Unfortunately, they only had a pair of clear high heels in my size. She told me they could order some for me but I was already knocked down a bit and only causually looked through the shoe catalouges. I told her I would be back in the area on Sun and if I wanted to order, I would come back. I had a feeling I wasn’t going to. I was excited about being able to come in and try them on and get them right then. I almost let that ruin my whole trip.

I went down to the toy shop and was greated just as warmly as the clothing shop. YOu can touch all the toys in the shop, see how they feel, how they work; the staff is great. The only adult store we have in my area has to be very uptight about things or they could be shut down by the religious fanatics in government. After looking around a good bit, I decided to get a few things I haven’t seen anywhere else: a metal handled rubber whip and two canes, one nylon and the other lexan, both with aluminum handles. The whip has a good thud but the tip has to be cut off or down. The canes have a nice sting to them.

At the end of the week, I decided I would go and order those boots. I would have to wait for them and getting a new outfit but one has to learn patience. I thikn I’m going to get a couple friends I’ve come out to to go on a shopping trip with me when the boots come in. So, Sunday, another lovely, very helpful lady ordered the boots for me. The owner had a pair she thought would fit on sale but they were at least 1 size too small. But I did order my boots. Yay!

Went down to the toy store once more and yet another lovely, helpful lady. Ended up talking with her about the lifestyle scene in my hometown and up in Philly. Looked around a little, trying to decide how best to round out my toy bag and ended up getting a pinwheel, a rubber flogger, a metal cane and a rope flogger. So many nice toys in there, it was a hard decision.

Now that I’m home, I get to look forward to my boots arriving and learning how to use my new toys. I cannot express how nice, how helpful and overall how cool the owner and staff of Passional are. I highly recommend stopping by if you are in Philly or going to their websites, www.passional.com and www.passionaltoys.com.

Preliminary realizations

Being here at the Dalai Lama’s teaching has got me slowly realizing that everything I do and am interested in could turn into Dharma practice; it just takes the right motivation and mind set. I won’t bore you with technical stuf but if my motivation is to help others in some way and to not be attached with things or people, then the action can be virtuous in the Buddhist sense. This helps me ease a lot of confusion about how I can be in the BDSM lifestyle and still be a practicing Buddhist. This also applies to my crossdressing but I’ve not been as confused about the mixing of those two. I’ll go more into my issues with this mix later.

The next steps

Sorry for the long time between posts. I am up in Pennsylvania to attend a teaching by the Dalai Lama and spent time getting everything ready for my trip up here. Have a good bit of news of the trip but will let you know more when I get back this week. For now, I’ll let you know what happened before my trip.

I came to realize I needed a mentor to help me if I was going to be prepared for danielle’s arrival in Sept. Before I left, I went to a local munch and realized who would be the perfect mentor for me. Near the end of the night, I came to this realization and decided to tell the Chef of my situation and asked if he and his wife could help me. He was all for it and I couldn’t be happier about it.

The Chef is a good friend that I’ve gotten to know over the past few years. He’s laid back but knowledgeable. I am comfortable around him and I know he will work with me to get where I want to be. I’m working on a list of things I want to learn and I have some new stuff I’ll tell you about later to practice with and hopefully have a good sense of what I’m doing by the time danielle gets here.

The Journey Begins, pt.2

A discussion at the party last Sat also got me started on my path in the Lifestyle. Ms S. mentioned a new group forming to support a local Leather Community. Now, being in a BDSM community, you hear about the Leather Community from time to time but I’ve never delved that much into it. I’ve always felt it’s more a part of the gay BDSM lifestylers and not me. I learned that, yes, it was started by gay men but it has explanded out from there. She went on to talk about its history and a little about the being in the Leather Community.

This discussion interested me because I am to the point where I need to decide if I am going to just sit back and watch the BDSM Community or step up and become part of it. People would say I already am part of it just being there, but I don’t feel that way. Hard for me to say why but part of it has to do with my lack of experience and my lack of knowledge in the lifestyle that has brought about a lack of confidence in what I may already know.

The biggest reason for me to make a decision is that my girl is coming down in Sept finally. She is so much more experienced than I am. I know I can’t get to her level by the time she gets here but I would like to have some basics down when I meet her. I’ve discussed this with her and she is fine with going slow and having a light play session but I still feel like I need to give her a little more.

The other reason why I need to go forward is I’ve started work on a poly Lifestyle family with dani as my first. She’s helping me create my own training manual and it has helped me decide what type of slave I want to train. But I still have doubts as to if I am fully qualified even though she says I’m more qualified than I give myself.

Ms. S talked about in the Leather Community you have to earn your leather through constant practice and study. I feel that I need to earn my title of Master and Head of House. I don’t know the path I am going to take to do that, though. I need to learn more about the Leather Community to see if it is right for me or if I need to get an individual mentor to show me the way. I just now I need to start now, if not for me, then for dani.