Identity

Recently I have been giving much thought to identity, or “who I am”. I have at least 4 names now that I go by depending on the situation: my real name, my scene name, my CD name and now my Buddhist name. Who is the “real me” and which are just parts of me? No one can really say. In fact, as some have said before, they are all the “real me.”

 

In Tibetan Buddhist thought, there is no “I,” no inherent self. This is a difficult concept and I won’t go into it in detail, but briefly, it is the idea that there isn’t a one thing that you can say is “you,” a independent, never changing self. In reality, we are always changing, from minute to minute, from second to second. Scientist say that the body’s skin completely dies and regrows over a period of years (3 I believe) so that literally, you are not the person you were a few years ago.

 

The other point about a “self” in my thinking is the person you see yourself as is not the person someone else sees. This has to do with situations you are in with the person, when they come into your life, the environment you see them in. The person my parents know is not the same person friends in the Lifestyle know. Your perception of me is in your own experiences of me and how you relate to other experiences you have and therefore different than anybody elses. 20 people can read my blog up to now but every one of them will relate differently to what I say and how they perceive me.

 

So what does this have to do with my names? Simply put, names are labels, nothing more. I am not each separate name but rather a combination of all. There’s no point in separating my thoughts based on a name. I have to realize that all thoughts are mine alone and stop trying to divide myself. Who I am as Samantha is who I am naturally, deep down. I put on the make-up, slip on the heels and try to act like a woman but in my mind and deep down in my heart, I am who I am. The outer appearance just helps bring out those thoughts and feelings.

 

And isn’t that what a name really does for anyone? It’s an identifier for who we are inside. Look around in your local Lifestyle community and see how many put sub or slave, Sir or Master in their names (which may not be their given name in the first place). These are put there to help them identify who they are inside because their given name needs help doing so or doesn’t do the job at all and they need stronger reinforcement. I am in this later category.

 

I am lucky to know many in the community who don’t need such titles. They are good people who know who they are and what they need. I look up to these people and several I call good friends. I’m not saying they are better than others. All I am saying is they have a better feel and a better understanding of their “self.” I hope to follow in their footsteps one day.

 

One quick note about changing the name you go by in certain communities. I am going by Roland now partially because it helps me feel more Dominant and more into that side of my personality but also because my extra-curricular activities in the Lifestyle could hurt me down the road in vanilla activites. I have plans to do non-profit work and start my own business and neither are necessarily kink-friendly. So I have to be careful now in who knows what about me. There are many in the same boat I am in the BDSM community at large. Sometimes the change can be a necessity for safety, a need mentally or both.

 

All of this boils down to “know thyself.” Study who you truely are inside instead of going through life simply reacting to things around you. Know what you want and what you need and put those feelings to use (as long as they are not destructive of you and others, of course). So many go about life unhappy because they feel they have to be someone they aren’t but don’t really know who they are in the first place. Once you discover that, life becomes a much happier experince because you stop wandering and move toward specific goals and activities.

 

Life is a journey with many paths. Knowing yourself is to know which path is right for you. The names you give yourself are simply the twists and turns of experiences on that path.

Note to self

Nair does NOT go on the chest.

Special Package

Oh, yeah, I forgot… My boots arrived from Passional last night! Haven’t had a chance to completely try them on yet, but did put one on to make sure it would fit. Didn’t have time to lace it up but may get a chance later tonight. Now to go shopping for the rest of my outfit!

Trip to Penn – the kinky part

okay.. so my trip to Penn…. didn’t turn out exactly as I had invisioned it but in the end was wonderful.

When I was preparing to go up, dani told me about a shop called Passional. I checked them out online (www.passional.com) and saw they had women’s boots in my size, in stock according to the website. Needless to say I was excited. That’s the one purchase I’ve wanted since I started exploring this part of me and it was also the certerpiece for the new outfit I want to get. I planned on stopping by both their clothing and toy shops in Philly the Weds I arrived.

When I got there (trip up was uneventful), the lovely lady helping another customer asked if I was looking for anything specific. I simply said “boots” forgetting they had men’s fetish fashions as well. She showed me the men’s boots and then went back to the other customer. I went back into the front and went back to her her and clarified that I needed “women’s boots” to which she showed me where they were as if a guy asking for women’s boots happens everyday. Immediately put me at ease.

Unfortunately, they only had a pair of clear high heels in my size. She told me they could order some for me but I was already knocked down a bit and only causually looked through the shoe catalouges. I told her I would be back in the area on Sun and if I wanted to order, I would come back. I had a feeling I wasn’t going to. I was excited about being able to come in and try them on and get them right then. I almost let that ruin my whole trip.

I went down to the toy shop and was greated just as warmly as the clothing shop. YOu can touch all the toys in the shop, see how they feel, how they work; the staff is great. The only adult store we have in my area has to be very uptight about things or they could be shut down by the religious fanatics in government. After looking around a good bit, I decided to get a few things I haven’t seen anywhere else: a metal handled rubber whip and two canes, one nylon and the other lexan, both with aluminum handles. The whip has a good thud but the tip has to be cut off or down. The canes have a nice sting to them.

At the end of the week, I decided I would go and order those boots. I would have to wait for them and getting a new outfit but one has to learn patience. I thikn I’m going to get a couple friends I’ve come out to to go on a shopping trip with me when the boots come in. So, Sunday, another lovely, very helpful lady ordered the boots for me. The owner had a pair she thought would fit on sale but they were at least 1 size too small. But I did order my boots. Yay!

Went down to the toy store once more and yet another lovely, helpful lady. Ended up talking with her about the lifestyle scene in my hometown and up in Philly. Looked around a little, trying to decide how best to round out my toy bag and ended up getting a pinwheel, a rubber flogger, a metal cane and a rope flogger. So many nice toys in there, it was a hard decision.

Now that I’m home, I get to look forward to my boots arriving and learning how to use my new toys. I cannot express how nice, how helpful and overall how cool the owner and staff of Passional are. I highly recommend stopping by if you are in Philly or going to their websites, www.passional.com and www.passionaltoys.com.

The Journey Begins, pt. 1

So Sat night, I went to a local Lifestyle party and came out as my Crossdressing self, “Samantha,” for the first time. I was a little nervous before going to the party. I had not been completely dressed before nor do I have much experience with make-up outside stage make-up. But when I got there, I was actually calm.

Before the party started, my friend Ms S. did my make-up for me, giving me some pointers and then I changed into my outfit for the night. Nothing really special: a lavender button down blouse, a pair of black slacks, jewelry to match, and my high heel sandles. I added my wig and went to look in the mirror and was surpised at what I saw. Everything came together and I was happy at what I was looking at., something that hadn’t happened before.  When I tried on the clothes I bought several months ago and looked in the mirror, I was disappointed because Iall I could see was a guy in a dress. But that night, I saw the beginnings of Samantha.

There were a few other CDs at the party and I was impressed and in awe of them. They have been doing this much longer than I have so they make it look so easy. They made me feel so comfortable and made me feel that what I was doing was not only okay, but perfectly natural. I have struggled as to my reasons starting to crossdress and still am not completely sure, but when I walked into the room where the others were dressing, I had no doubt this was the beginning of something.

I got quite a few good comments that night. There were even a few people who didn’t recognize me until I spoke to them. They didn’t know that I was starting to do this but were very supportive. I was dressed for several hours that night before deciding to go back to drab and relax. But I made sure I walked outside in complete dress at least once.

When I came back out as Roland, I felt so excited. It was like a high I had never experienced before. I put myself out there and exposed myself to anything that could be said about me. I knew no one there would say anything bad but I didn’t expect the level of support and approval. My confidence was so high that night.

A few months ago, I doubted if this was part of me. I questioned why I wanted to do it. I planned on this party to be the deciding factor on whether or not I continue on or put it all away. I have to say, I believe I am going to keep on. I want to see Samantha grow as a person and in tern me grow. I talked to my friend Kaye that night who said Samantha isn’t a different person, she’s me. She’s the me that would do things, say things and dress if I were a girl. I’m taking that to heart and letting this evolve how it will. Hell, I’ve even started thinking about my next outfit I want to get and to me, it’s something I like to see other girls in but to Samantha, it’s something she wants to be in: thigh high boots, short skirt and a sexy top. Can’t wait to be able to go shopping.