T minus 30 days

30 days until danielle gets here. 30 days to get final preparations set. Only 30 days to get myself ready for her arrival. I’m excited it’s so close but I am also worried that it’s so close.

I feel like I have so much to do and yet, I don’t think I have that much. It’s just that the stuff I need to do take time, they are things I can just do and move on. I need to triple my efforts on my lifestyle practicing, I need to get at least one more section finished on her training manual and work on both losing weight and starting my Buddhist practice again. I know I’m not going to lose 30 pounds before she gets here but I do need to start. And really, that’s the biggest thing I need to do: just start.

I can talk all I want about doing something but if I don’t just start, then where does all that talking get me? So, it starts tomorrow. I will get up and begin my Buddhist practice again. I will pull out what I have of the manual so far and start moving forward. I will start walking again this week. I will begin practicing my flogging with more dilligence. I will just start.

Angry

I am angry. No use putting a pretty picture on it. It’s taken me a couple days to realize how much or maybe it’s just grown over the past few days. And I don’t want to be angry. I want to have come home from a great trip, listening to a great man telling me how best to practice Buddhism and move forward with my life. But here I am, my body tense and electrified with a rage pouring through me.

I was hoping to come back to work and put what I learned to good use. To be able to see one of my bosses as a bodhisattva in disguise, here to teach me about anger and to try and control it. But the news I got when I came back blew that idea out of the water. The news was too much for me to control my anger. In the short time I was away, they “restructured” a department, firing a good friend suddenly. Also, the constant pressure and goading of one of the bosses cause another friend to quit. They have hired someone completely new for the “restructuring” and one employee is taking over the job of another who has left but worked at home and now is being forced out completely.

The selfish, inconsiderate, assenign ways these people do business was a wake up call, a slap to the face to my future there. As much as I’ve been told they would never fire me and that they need me, I can’t honestly believe them anymore. When the staff has to find out about the “restructuring” by stumbling on a job ad instead of management letting us know show that they are cowards and don’t have the guts to treat people with respect.

So, what do I do now? Do I put forth the energy to take control of my department like I talked to my boss about doing before I left? Or do I throw myself into my film projects, both the non-profits and the films and work on getting out of this industry and into something I love doing? I honestly don’t know what good it would do to try and take over my department. I know I will not get the support or authority I need to do the job properly. This is shown in all my other attempts at making things better there. So why waste the time and energy just to be disappointed and depressed?

I really think I need to jump in and really work on the film projects. They are my only hope of getting out of this place with some reasonable sense of sanity. I have to get my life in a better place. I think my filmmaking will do that as well as getting my Buddhist practice back on track and my renewed explorations in BDSM. I just have to stick with it all and I’m going to need help to do that.

Hi, it’s me.. I’m back

I got back yesterday afternoon after a long drive. I am wore out to say the least and super tired. I’m resting as best I can with still having to go to work today and tomorrow. I’ll try to make a few bigger posts over the weekend. Lots to talk about with the trip and a good bit about coming to work today.

Crossroads

Over the past week several things have happened that have put me in a crossroads of sorts as to where my life needs to go. I’m hoping to use this blog to cronical my journey and see how I much I grow.