Trip to Penn – the kinky part

okay.. so my trip to Penn…. didn’t turn out exactly as I had invisioned it but in the end was wonderful.

When I was preparing to go up, dani told me about a shop called Passional. I checked them out online (www.passional.com) and saw they had women’s boots in my size, in stock according to the website. Needless to say I was excited. That’s the one purchase I’ve wanted since I started exploring this part of me and it was also the certerpiece for the new outfit I want to get. I planned on stopping by both their clothing and toy shops in Philly the Weds I arrived.

When I got there (trip up was uneventful), the lovely lady helping another customer asked if I was looking for anything specific. I simply said “boots” forgetting they had men’s fetish fashions as well. She showed me the men’s boots and then went back to the other customer. I went back into the front and went back to her her and clarified that I needed “women’s boots” to which she showed me where they were as if a guy asking for women’s boots happens everyday. Immediately put me at ease.

Unfortunately, they only had a pair of clear high heels in my size. She told me they could order some for me but I was already knocked down a bit and only causually looked through the shoe catalouges. I told her I would be back in the area on Sun and if I wanted to order, I would come back. I had a feeling I wasn’t going to. I was excited about being able to come in and try them on and get them right then. I almost let that ruin my whole trip.

I went down to the toy shop and was greated just as warmly as the clothing shop. YOu can touch all the toys in the shop, see how they feel, how they work; the staff is great. The only adult store we have in my area has to be very uptight about things or they could be shut down by the religious fanatics in government. After looking around a good bit, I decided to get a few things I haven’t seen anywhere else: a metal handled rubber whip and two canes, one nylon and the other lexan, both with aluminum handles. The whip has a good thud but the tip has to be cut off or down. The canes have a nice sting to them.

At the end of the week, I decided I would go and order those boots. I would have to wait for them and getting a new outfit but one has to learn patience. I thikn I’m going to get a couple friends I’ve come out to to go on a shopping trip with me when the boots come in. So, Sunday, another lovely, very helpful lady ordered the boots for me. The owner had a pair she thought would fit on sale but they were at least 1 size too small. But I did order my boots. Yay!

Went down to the toy store once more and yet another lovely, helpful lady. Ended up talking with her about the lifestyle scene in my hometown and up in Philly. Looked around a little, trying to decide how best to round out my toy bag and ended up getting a pinwheel, a rubber flogger, a metal cane and a rope flogger. So many nice toys in there, it was a hard decision.

Now that I’m home, I get to look forward to my boots arriving and learning how to use my new toys. I cannot express how nice, how helpful and overall how cool the owner and staff of Passional are. I highly recommend stopping by if you are in Philly or going to their websites, www.passional.com and www.passionaltoys.com.

Angry

I am angry. No use putting a pretty picture on it. It’s taken me a couple days to realize how much or maybe it’s just grown over the past few days. And I don’t want to be angry. I want to have come home from a great trip, listening to a great man telling me how best to practice Buddhism and move forward with my life. But here I am, my body tense and electrified with a rage pouring through me.

I was hoping to come back to work and put what I learned to good use. To be able to see one of my bosses as a bodhisattva in disguise, here to teach me about anger and to try and control it. But the news I got when I came back blew that idea out of the water. The news was too much for me to control my anger. In the short time I was away, they “restructured” a department, firing a good friend suddenly. Also, the constant pressure and goading of one of the bosses cause another friend to quit. They have hired someone completely new for the “restructuring” and one employee is taking over the job of another who has left but worked at home and now is being forced out completely.

The selfish, inconsiderate, assenign ways these people do business was a wake up call, a slap to the face to my future there. As much as I’ve been told they would never fire me and that they need me, I can’t honestly believe them anymore. When the staff has to find out about the “restructuring” by stumbling on a job ad instead of management letting us know show that they are cowards and don’t have the guts to treat people with respect.

So, what do I do now? Do I put forth the energy to take control of my department like I talked to my boss about doing before I left? Or do I throw myself into my film projects, both the non-profits and the films and work on getting out of this industry and into something I love doing? I honestly don’t know what good it would do to try and take over my department. I know I will not get the support or authority I need to do the job properly. This is shown in all my other attempts at making things better there. So why waste the time and energy just to be disappointed and depressed?

I really think I need to jump in and really work on the film projects. They are my only hope of getting out of this place with some reasonable sense of sanity. I have to get my life in a better place. I think my filmmaking will do that as well as getting my Buddhist practice back on track and my renewed explorations in BDSM. I just have to stick with it all and I’m going to need help to do that.

Hi, it’s me.. I’m back

I got back yesterday afternoon after a long drive. I am wore out to say the least and super tired. I’m resting as best I can with still having to go to work today and tomorrow. I’ll try to make a few bigger posts over the weekend. Lots to talk about with the trip and a good bit about coming to work today.

Preliminary realizations

Being here at the Dalai Lama’s teaching has got me slowly realizing that everything I do and am interested in could turn into Dharma practice; it just takes the right motivation and mind set. I won’t bore you with technical stuf but if my motivation is to help others in some way and to not be attached with things or people, then the action can be virtuous in the Buddhist sense. This helps me ease a lot of confusion about how I can be in the BDSM lifestyle and still be a practicing Buddhist. This also applies to my crossdressing but I’ve not been as confused about the mixing of those two. I’ll go more into my issues with this mix later.

The next steps

Sorry for the long time between posts. I am up in Pennsylvania to attend a teaching by the Dalai Lama and spent time getting everything ready for my trip up here. Have a good bit of news of the trip but will let you know more when I get back this week. For now, I’ll let you know what happened before my trip.

I came to realize I needed a mentor to help me if I was going to be prepared for danielle’s arrival in Sept. Before I left, I went to a local munch and realized who would be the perfect mentor for me. Near the end of the night, I came to this realization and decided to tell the Chef of my situation and asked if he and his wife could help me. He was all for it and I couldn’t be happier about it.

The Chef is a good friend that I’ve gotten to know over the past few years. He’s laid back but knowledgeable. I am comfortable around him and I know he will work with me to get where I want to be. I’m working on a list of things I want to learn and I have some new stuff I’ll tell you about later to practice with and hopefully have a good sense of what I’m doing by the time danielle gets here.

The Journey Begins, pt.2

A discussion at the party last Sat also got me started on my path in the Lifestyle. Ms S. mentioned a new group forming to support a local Leather Community. Now, being in a BDSM community, you hear about the Leather Community from time to time but I’ve never delved that much into it. I’ve always felt it’s more a part of the gay BDSM lifestylers and not me. I learned that, yes, it was started by gay men but it has explanded out from there. She went on to talk about its history and a little about the being in the Leather Community.

This discussion interested me because I am to the point where I need to decide if I am going to just sit back and watch the BDSM Community or step up and become part of it. People would say I already am part of it just being there, but I don’t feel that way. Hard for me to say why but part of it has to do with my lack of experience and my lack of knowledge in the lifestyle that has brought about a lack of confidence in what I may already know.

The biggest reason for me to make a decision is that my girl is coming down in Sept finally. She is so much more experienced than I am. I know I can’t get to her level by the time she gets here but I would like to have some basics down when I meet her. I’ve discussed this with her and she is fine with going slow and having a light play session but I still feel like I need to give her a little more.

The other reason why I need to go forward is I’ve started work on a poly Lifestyle family with dani as my first. She’s helping me create my own training manual and it has helped me decide what type of slave I want to train. But I still have doubts as to if I am fully qualified even though she says I’m more qualified than I give myself.

Ms. S talked about in the Leather Community you have to earn your leather through constant practice and study. I feel that I need to earn my title of Master and Head of House. I don’t know the path I am going to take to do that, though. I need to learn more about the Leather Community to see if it is right for me or if I need to get an individual mentor to show me the way. I just now I need to start now, if not for me, then for dani.

The Journey Begins, pt. 1

So Sat night, I went to a local Lifestyle party and came out as my Crossdressing self, “Samantha,” for the first time. I was a little nervous before going to the party. I had not been completely dressed before nor do I have much experience with make-up outside stage make-up. But when I got there, I was actually calm.

Before the party started, my friend Ms S. did my make-up for me, giving me some pointers and then I changed into my outfit for the night. Nothing really special: a lavender button down blouse, a pair of black slacks, jewelry to match, and my high heel sandles. I added my wig and went to look in the mirror and was surpised at what I saw. Everything came together and I was happy at what I was looking at., something that hadn’t happened before.  When I tried on the clothes I bought several months ago and looked in the mirror, I was disappointed because Iall I could see was a guy in a dress. But that night, I saw the beginnings of Samantha.

There were a few other CDs at the party and I was impressed and in awe of them. They have been doing this much longer than I have so they make it look so easy. They made me feel so comfortable and made me feel that what I was doing was not only okay, but perfectly natural. I have struggled as to my reasons starting to crossdress and still am not completely sure, but when I walked into the room where the others were dressing, I had no doubt this was the beginning of something.

I got quite a few good comments that night. There were even a few people who didn’t recognize me until I spoke to them. They didn’t know that I was starting to do this but were very supportive. I was dressed for several hours that night before deciding to go back to drab and relax. But I made sure I walked outside in complete dress at least once.

When I came back out as Roland, I felt so excited. It was like a high I had never experienced before. I put myself out there and exposed myself to anything that could be said about me. I knew no one there would say anything bad but I didn’t expect the level of support and approval. My confidence was so high that night.

A few months ago, I doubted if this was part of me. I questioned why I wanted to do it. I planned on this party to be the deciding factor on whether or not I continue on or put it all away. I have to say, I believe I am going to keep on. I want to see Samantha grow as a person and in tern me grow. I talked to my friend Kaye that night who said Samantha isn’t a different person, she’s me. She’s the me that would do things, say things and dress if I were a girl. I’m taking that to heart and letting this evolve how it will. Hell, I’ve even started thinking about my next outfit I want to get and to me, it’s something I like to see other girls in but to Samantha, it’s something she wants to be in: thigh high boots, short skirt and a sexy top. Can’t wait to be able to go shopping.

Crossroads

Over the past week several things have happened that have put me in a crossroads of sorts as to where my life needs to go. I’m hoping to use this blog to cronical my journey and see how I much I grow.